Dealing with One's Emotions

(Dr. John D. Mayer Psychologist, University of New Hampshire)

3 Categories people fall into when it comes to identifying and dealing with their emotions:

Self-aware. These people are aware of their moods as they are having them. Their mindfulness helps them manage their emotions. When they are in a bad mood they don't obsess about it, and are able to get out of it sooner.

Engulfed. These are people who often feel swamped by their emotions and helpless to escape them, as though their emotions have taken charge. They are not very aware of their feelings, so that they are lost in them rather than having some perspective. As a result, they do little to try to escape bad moods, feeling they have not control over their emotional life. They often feel overwhelmed and emotionally out of control.

Accepting. While these people are often clear about what they are feeling, they also tend to be accepting of their moods, and so don't try to change them. There seem to be two branches of the accepting type: those who are usually in good moods and so have little motivation to change them, and people who, despite their clarity about their moods, are susceptible to bad ones but accept them with a laissez-faire attitude, doing nothing to change them despite their distress- a pattern found among depressed people who are resigned to their despair (Goleman, 1998).

Self-awareness is not getting carried away with emotions, but rather objectively identifying them in order to take control of the subsequent actions resulting from these emotions. By acknowledging your emotions, you can manage them, deal with them and then move on. This is very difficult for some people to do. It is much easier at times to just ignore, deny or rationalize your emotions. It is crucial, however, for us to develop an understanding of what we are feeling in order to use our emotions intelligently.

Emotions can tell us through instant feedback whether a decision or act is right for us. What we call "gut feelings" or " intuition" are feelings that have been formed by experiences in our past. By tuning into these gut feelings, we are able to use information about similar situations that we have experienced in the past. This is particularly important in recognizing what is important to you, knowing what you want and how you feel in different situations. Gut feelings can identify your true intentions in a situation. If you feel happy, satisfied, or content with a decision, it is a good indication that your decision coincided with your true intention. However, if you start to resent, or feel uneasy in a situation, you probably did not go with your true intention. Self-awareness allows you to connect with emotions, thoughts, and actions (Susik & Megerian, 1999).

Emotions are not just psychological impulses; they are also physiological "feelings."One way of identifying an emotion is to understand where in your body you feel that emotion. For example, think about where in your body you feel fear. Does your stomach ache, or do parts of your body grow tight? What about love or anger (Steiner, 1997)? If you can become aware of where these emotions physically occur in your body, it will be easier for you to identify them and act accordingly.

Along with becoming emotionally aware, you must also learn to become aware of your actions. One way to do this is by examining how you make appraisals.Appraisals are all of the different impressions, interpretations, evaluations, and expectations you have about yourself, others, and situations (Weisinger, 1998).

These appraisals are largely influenced by your personal filter. It takes everything you gather as sensory data, information gathered through your five senses, and interprets it through a filter of information already stored in you mind. People with a high self-awareness are conscious of the filtering process and how it affects their perceptions. Negative appraisals can lead to self-fulfilling prophecies.

However, being aware of this allows you to change your attitudes and actions.Becoming aware of your thoughts allows you to understand how they influence your feelings, actions and reactions thus allowing you to alter them accordingly.

Shortcomings in Emotional Intelligence come from habit learned early on (Fisher, 1998). Self-awareness is the first step to identifying and changing your behaviors.In order to change a habit, you must first notice when you're falling into it, and second, practice a different response. "By being aware, you can do a little better each time you try" (Farnham, 1996).

Reflection:

Self Awareness is an important matter, a person really has to be aware of his actions at all times, and in all situations. By understanding yourself first in full perspective, you will be able to understand others and create a good line of communication with them.

A person has to be firm with his ground, he should not be easily persuaded, but if he is, he has to learn to stop for a while and think things through, he should not be impulsive, not unless he has fully understood his emotions and then he can make a decision.

References:

N.A (N.D.).Emotional Intelligence & Managing Myself. Internet. Retrieved July 20, 2010 from, http://www.ecst.csuchico.edu/~yasalde/selfawareness.html